Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
