I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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