My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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