So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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