He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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