i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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