Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize