We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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