I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
