i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
