break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize