u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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