I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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