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He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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