see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think I am morally bankrupt
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
