I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
