if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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