ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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