no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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