today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
