My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
