You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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