I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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