that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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