just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
