I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
