If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
