We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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