i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
