Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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