I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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