I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
