Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
