Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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