so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
