note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
