The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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