Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I smell like Dick and happiness
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
