The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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