I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so let's talk penis.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just want nice things and good sex
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Randomize
