handjob tips. give me some.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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