I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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