Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's blow job season.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
