She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
