Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
