Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
