I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
