ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
