Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
