I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
