I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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