cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
