Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
