The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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