you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
