I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
