just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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