I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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